Roasted Vegetables

Brightly lit kitchen courtesy of my parents' kitchen, which
isn't located in an apartment that was built in the 1940s

Well, it's official. Autumn is here. You can tell from the crispness in the air, the dead leaves on the ground, and the pumpkin-spiced everything in the store. It's the time of year when our hardy forebears would start looking toward their root cellars to provide their meals. I'm the same way. Except I live on a 2nd floor apartment, so when I dug my root cellar, my downstairs neighbors got super pissed. Thankfully, unlike my root-grubbing ancestors, I live by a whole bunch of large supermarkets with produce sections. So even with the pending lawsuit over my root cellar, I can still get some vegetables, roast them up, and taunt my neighbors with their deliciousness. 

Ingredients:

2 standard-issue Onions

2 bulbs Fennel 

2 lb. Mushrooms (any mushroom you've got will work pretty well here, but I like crimini mushrooms, because they've got an awesome flavor, they cook down well, and they look exactly like the depiction of a mushroom from every cartoon I've ever seen)

2 Bell Peppers

1 TBSP Olive Oil

1/4 tsp Black Pepper

Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is chop your vegetables. For this recipe, there really isn't a wrong way to cut them. You just want everything to be roughly bite-sized. And yes, different people take different sized bites. That's why I recommend you line up any potential guests you have along a handy wall and, using a protractor and compass, measure each of their bites before cutting your vegetables. Or you could use your best guess. Once your friends and family have been probed and measured, and your vegetables are cut, toss them (the vegetables) into a bowl. Mix them together with your oil, pepper, and a large-human's pinch of salt, and then lay them flat on a baking sheet. You want the vegetables to be in a single layer, not stacked on top of each other. So if you need to, break out some backup baking sheets (Backup Baking Sheets sounds like it should be the name of the absolutely worst band from the 60s. Like, so bad that they'd have opened for The Turtles).

Warning: highly delicious. Only throw at neighbors if you're
out of rotten tomatoes and cabbages.

Take your carefully distributed vegetables, and throw them in a 450 degree oven. Leave them there for about 20 minutes, or until your house starts to smell super awesome. If your house starts to smell like burning, you may have left them in for a bit too long. If you notice flames coming out of the oven, wait and see if the situation gets any better. If the eggs on your counter start to cook despite not actually being in the oven, consult the appropriate authorities. Once your vegetables are ready, take them out of the oven and eat them. Or throw them at your neighbor through a perfectly innocent hole in the floor. I've heard it both ways.