Hot Dog Pie

For the freshest sausage, ask your cashier if it was packaged
today, like 5 or 6 times. I'm sure he'll take good care of you.

When I was growing up, my mom would often make a dish she referred to as "hot dog pie." The practical effect of it was to feed the family with vegetables, starch, and protein on a budget, and to keep us from realizing that we were poor. Now if you ask her about it she refers to it as peasant food. This is a slightly gussied up version of that (because I can), with "hot dogs" replaced with "italian sausage," "instant mashed potatoes" replaced with "real potatoes," and "no mushrooms" replaced with "yes mushrooms." Why did she call it hot dog pie? Who knows? Traditionally, the word "pie" is considered to have originated from the Latin word for magpie. Because it was made up of a collection of random nonsense that somebody threw together, cooked, and ate. Because that's what you do if it's the Middle Ages. Well, that and die of the Black Death.

Ingredients:

8 Standard Issue Potatoes

1 lb. Italian Sausage

2 Cups Peas

6 oz. Cremini Mushrooms

3 cloves Garlic

3/4 Cup Soy Milk

1 TBSP Olive Oil

An unspecified amount of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is fill a big pot with cold water. Dump your potatoes in it and crank up the heat. Then take a load off, because a big pot of water takes approximately 3 generations to boil. Pass this recipe on to your children, and instill in them the values to pass it on to their own children. Once that's taken care of, and your family heirloom water is boiling, it's time to really get started. Throw your sausage right up in your boiling potato water (I'm gonna go on record, and support the controversial statement that Boiling Potato Water is an awesome name for a Ska band. But then again, what isn't?). Let them boil freely, without any taxes or restrictions, for 10 minutes. During this troubling time of sausage boiling, comfort yourself with the chopping into itty bits of your Mushrooms and Garlic. Heat up your Olive Oil in a pan, and sauté your Mushroom bits along with an Average Sized Human's Pinch of Salt. Once they've started to shrink a bit, and are smelling super awesome, add in the Peas and Garlic along with another AHSP of Salt. Let it go for another minute or two before turning off the heat, and oh! By the way, it's likely been more than 10 minutes. Your sausages should be out of your potato water. If they're not, don't panic. Just shove your bare hands into the boiling water to get them out as fast as possible so that you don't bring shame upon your dojo. Or, take your time and carefully retrieve them with a kitchen tool of some kind. Like a dojo-shame-bringing wuss.

Yeah, that's got everything you need right there. Link in the
captions! First time! Enjoy it suckers.

Boil your potatoes until they get soft all the way through, like a Congressman. This should take about 30 minutes from the time the water started to boil (For the potatoes. Congressmen soften in closer to 20 minutes). Once they're done, drain out all of that potato-sausage-water (which sounds like a very Eastern European euphemism for using the toilet), and mash the crap out of them there spuds, along with 2 AHSPs of Salt, and your Soy Milk. Once your potatoes are the right flavor and consistency (smooth, and not quite salty enough, like Jazz played on the speakers in an airport), stir in the sautéed deliciousness your have in your pan. And enjoy. If my calculations are correct, this cost me about 13 dollars, and it made enough food to feed at least 6 people. If you take it closer to the original, with plain hot dogs and no mushrooms, you'd cut it down to about 9 dollars. So get out there and make some delicious food on a reasonable budget to feed your family. Or about 3 drunk people. Or 1 guy, who's really drunk.