Irish Apple Crisp

The apple racial divide is strong at the supermarket

So you're having friends over. Congratulations on having friends! Now comes the existential dread from knowing that they're quietly judging everything about you, including (but not limited to) your apartment decor, the food you serve them, and the gigantic collection of antique clown statues in your damn foyer. The key is in the dessert. Give them something awesome to remember, and to associate with your entire awkward night of Apples to Apples and dramatic readings of the Berenstain Bears. Alcohol might also help.

Ingredients:

3 Granny Smith Apples

2 Gala Apples

2 Cups Brown Sugar

1 Cup Oatmeal

1/2 Cup chopped Walnuts

2 TBSP Coconut Oil

2 TBSP Irish Whiskey (I prefer Tullamore Dew, because it tastes better and costs less than most other Irish Whiskeys. But feel free to waste your money on an inferior product. It'll almost be like you're a congressman!)

1 TBSP Lemon Juice

2 tsp Cinnamon

2 tsp Corn Starch

1/2 tsp Ground Nutmeg

1/2 tsp Ground Ginger

1/4 tsp Ground Cloves 

2 typical human sized pinches of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is dice your apples. This used to take me a long time, cutting little wedges out and buying apple corers and whatnot, until I discovered an ancient secret: it doesn't actually matter if you get every damn inch of usable apple. Yes, excessive food waste isn't good, but wasting an hour to save half an ounce of apple is counterproductive. You heard me stereotypes of soviet Russia in the 80s. So hold it on a cutting board, and just slice off an entire side of it. Repeat 3 times and you're in business. Once they're good and choppity chopped, toss them in your Lemon Juice to keep them from turning into gross brown nonsense.

Throw your lemony apples in a pot along with half of your Brown Sugar, Cinnamon, and Salt, and all of your Corn Starch, Nutmeg, and Cloves. Got That? Good. Because if you messed it up nobody will ever forgive you, and only your creepy clown statues will love you. Just like last week. Saute` that whole mess over medium heat, stirring occasionally to show you care, for about 4 minutes. Add in your Whiskey, and keep it on the fire for another minute or so, and then dump it all in a baking dish. 

Goodbye hunger, hello diabetic coma! Totally worth it.

Now it's time to make some crumbly goodness. Take a bowl, and dump in...the rest of your ingredients. That's your Oatmeal, Ginger, Walnuts, Coconut Oil, and the rest of your Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, and Salt for you kids in the back who weren't paying attention. Mush it all together with your hands, and then splorp it on top of your apple mixture. Try to spread it out relatively evenly. Or don't, and call it "rustic." But we'll all know what it really means (it means lazy). Bake it at 350 for about 30 minutes, when it starts to smell up your whole house with it's intrusive awesomeness, and the topping is crispy. And that's it! Irish Apple Crumble! Except it's still burning hot, so probably don't have it until it cools down a little, or you find some way to fireproof yourself. Or just go at it and have a cool story to tell in the burn ward.