October 19, 2016

Exploded Egg Rolls

What do you get when you explode an egg roll? If you answered something like "a mess," congratulations! You have no poetry in your soul. You're well suited for a job hurting others for pleasure and profit, like a tax collector or a lawyer. The rest of you, gather around. Because deliciousness is about to happen. Deliciousness stuffed in a wonton wrapper, and cooked up open to make a wonton cup full of awesome food and joy. You're welcome. Or as my Asian American friends would say, "you're welcome." Come on. It's 2016. Don't be that guy.


Wonton skins (If you can't find these fresh, go out and skin a wonton or two. Don't let their cries for mercy fool you into thinking they don't love being part of your delicious snack)
1 Chicken Breast
1 Bell Pepper
5 Button Mushrooms
1/2 a standard-issue Onion
1 tsp grated Ginger
2 tsp Soy Sauce
Toasted Sesame Oil
Cooking Spray

The first thing you're gonna need to do is cook your chicken breast. Boil it, bake it, stare at it funny until it gets uncomfortable and cooks itself from sheer embarrassment, whatever. If you can't figure out this part, just stick it in a 450 degree oven for like 20 minutes. Once your chicken is cooked, set it aside. Choppity chop your vegetables into tiny little bits (Pro-tip: washing them first can help avoid an embarrassing case of "dirt-face."). Now take your chicken, along with two forks and the sure knowledge that your hands are gonna be cramping up soon, and shred that chicken. Pretty much just stab it with the forks and rip it apart. If it helps you get into character, pretend you're a vicious predator mauling your prey. This is absolutely nothing like that, but I won't judge the fact that you totally went along with that for a second.

"They're too pretty to eat" is something somebody might say
about these. Somebody who doesn't understand what food is.
Heat up your oil over medium-low heat, and tosss in the chopped up vegetation, along with your ginger. Sautee that nonsense until the vegetables start to get soft, and the whole things smells like awesomeness. Then add in your chicken and soy sauce, and cook it down for another minute or so. Now it's time to deal with your wonton skins. Take a mini-muffin tray (I know, you didn't sign up for some fancy-dinner-party nonsense with a mini-muffin tray. You were just here to make dainty wonton cups dag-nabbit! Get over it.) and spray it down with your cooking spray. Then squish wonton wrappers into each little cup, generally being careful not to violently tear anything. Which is just how most of us go through life, but I guess it needed to be said. Anyhow, spray down your cupped-up wontons with a little more cooking spray, and then fill them up with your chicken and vegetable mixture. Throw that nonsense in a 350 degree oven for about 10-15 minutes, or until the wontons get brown and crispy. You might want to check them pretty regularly, because they have a habit of going from undercooked to charcoal pretty rapidly. And that's it! You've got little cups of deliciousness to serve to all of your fancy friends. Or to eat entirely on your own after staring at the phone for an hour wondering whether your should invite anybody over. Either way!